Put an advert in the local lonely hearts paper.

Short, fat bloke with a dodgy haircut wishes to meet a woman with huge knockers for vigorous shagging sessions and tiddlywinks, but I’ve lost mi embossed ivory squidger must have ate it thinking it was a white chocolate button so now I carn’t tiddle mi wink.
                                                                                                                                                                             

Actdaft ... try tummlin yer wilkies instead. All you need is a kilt - oh and some decent sized wilkies


                                                                                                                                                                             

Got a reply from mi lonely hearts ad, so off to iron mi disco shirt then out to meet this bird called Ting Tong, think she is from Thailand.                                                                                                                                                                             

act daft you are one of a kind,,keep them coming...                                                                                                                                                                             

Anyone want a boiled egg.                                                                                                                                                                             

Lady Charlotte riding through the woods with the wind in her bonnet on her beautiful steed called Bobbin a big black beast with fire in his eyes and a temper to match, oh no out jumps Mr fox persecuted for being a ginge. Up rears Bobbin and throws lady Charlotte to the ground, bruised and confused her beautiful clothes torn, she wonders through the woods, then bang she is caught in one of great uncle Percy’s man traps. Darcy Darcy she cries won’t you come to my rescue, then as if by magic Mr Darcy appears on his pure white charger. Dismounting his horse in all his refinery a manly man that is him. Mr Darcy you have come to rescue me say Lady Charlotte, then while walking over and unzipping his pantaloons he says, its just not your lucky day today.
                                                                                                                                                                             

You so live up to your name actdaft and ..... you are a sandwich short of a picnic ..... but so funny. Keep taking them mate                                                                                                                                                                              

The last time i went on a picnic it pissed it down and mi sausage roll got all soggy, then i got escorted off the premises. I only said that piece of Halibut was good enough for Jehovah.