Thanks camp Freddie. I have now named mi porkers, bacon sandwich and sausage and they soon will be. And my 3 favourite rat poisons are, 1- rat attack... 2- rat away... 3- rat f**ker supreme, hope this helps.                                                                                                                                                                                 

I once kept chickens n called em paxo, sage, onion, n stuffing                                                                                                                                                                              

Well i've just watched my first porn film on a 3d tv and what an experience that was, this very large chap walks into a room drops his strides then turns round, i had to duck cos i thought his appendage was going to knock mi fez off.                                                                                                                                                                             

Watched the Grudge last night, shit misen, but i kind of like Buffy in fact she can come round and kick me up and down any day of the week and twice on sundays if she wants.                                                                                                                                                                              

What do you say to a man who has no arms or legs if your watch is broken.   Have you got the time on ya cock.   I'l get mi coat.                                                                                                                                                                             

Mind you i think i did go to Yogoslavia but only in a dream, didn't like it.                                                                                                                                                                             

Went on a coach trip, got all the way there on mi m8's student card, then got arrested for bringing live animals into the country.                                                                                                                                                                             

Been doing that night sky live bollocks thats been on the telly for the past 3 days, stood in the garden with mi binos couldn't see sod all. then i was told to take the lens caps off ha ha ha, But then all i could see was this big white dimpley moon, thats when the police came and told me to stop looking at the big lass in the flat opposite getting undressed or they were going to take me down the station and give me a good seeing to, I do like a woman in uniform, and twice on a sunday.

If you buy a Thai bride off the interweb and they send a Bancok chic boy by mistake, can you get a refund from the credit card people or do you just have to lie down and take it.                                                                                                                                                                                 

Well i wouldn't have beleved it if i hadn't seen it with mi own eyes. its put me off brussel sprouts for ever.                                                                                                                                                                             

Anybody seen mi sausage roll, i've put it down somewhere and now i carn't find it.
                                                                                                                                                                             

its behind the curtains                                                                                                                                                                             

Found it, it was under mi hat all the time.
                                                                                                                                                                             

did your hat make you blind (or was it the curtains?)                                                                                                                                                                             

Well i have just about sorted it just a few more mods, the valve of a whooopie cushion stuck onto the outlet of mi gas mask so when i exhale it farts ha ha ha, and i need a kazoo as well.                                                                                                                                                                             

Actdaft's tip of the day.   If using wicked strength glue to stick rubber to rubber, i would leave it a few days to dry completely before putting it on your head, just got back from platform 9, Saw some tiny little people with huge monkey heads wearing starfish hats and riding round on violent hedge hogs asking for mi ticket and if i could give them one of mi shoes. I couldn't do that mi foot would get wet and anyway i went in mi slippers, good trip though might go again tomorrow.                                                                                                                                                                             

Well t'old prince chuck has been to tarn this morning and met Dickie Bird, i hope someone took that rubber johnny off Dickies finger on his statue before t'old chuck see's it lol, carn't remember if it was used or not.                                                                                                                                                                             

Sorted the gas mask is finished, and i recommend pound land's this f*"ker will stick anything to anything glue, Ended up in a room with lots of flumps remember them, stupid shit flumps bouncing up and down squeaking. One bit me on the leg so i kicked it through a window and when i looked out i saw Iron Maiden playing live with Doris Day on vocals singing Powerslave. then the flumps started to gang up on me, stupid shit flumps so i ran outside and got run over by Mr soft and his soft car but it didn't hurt.

I was on mi way home from the pub the other night, walking up the road i saw a tiny little ginger cat sat on a wall, so i went over to it started to scratch it on its head and asked it what it was like to be a cat and do mice taste like chicken, after 5 mins of talking to this cat i said my goodbyes and walked off, then thought, the evening wasn't a total loss i did get to stroke a pussy.  

Weird...................................  what time was this at?