Sad to report the news that mi m8s 2 foot lemon shark that I kept in mi bath has passed away, Gunter [that’s what I called him] died on Wednesday due to being hit on the snout with a cricket bat. Having looked after him for 2 years while my m8 went to Zimbabwe to find himself ehh, he put on a lot of weight due to being fed chips and cherry bakewells so much so he couldn’t move so I had to circulate the water round him by farting in the bath this is when he bit me on the arse and then repeatedly hit his face against the cricket bat several times, so now he is in heaven with the baby jeesus. I have replaced him with a turnip with a picture of his face selotaped on it and mi m8 thinks he is a bit too quiet and not himself. The morale of this story is do not look after your m8s lemon shark they are more trouble than they are worth and anyway if you’ve been to Zimbabwe for 2 years your bound to have a tan.                                                                                                                                                                              

The woman next door is an Elvis impersonator, but she looks nowt like Elvis, so whan she said she was going to make this rabbit disappear i laughed and walked away, but she mentioned a wizard's sleeve, would that be Rob Wizard who has a x-mas single out this year.

is it a chip shop next door?   Can use the lemon in the festive G+Ts                                                                                                                                                                             

and did Gunter only speak German?? (and could your mates dog understand him?)                                                                                                                                                                              

Mi m8 was French keep up doh lol, anyway watching this film and this guy got his snake and tickled it stiff and then he shot it out of a bow it landed in this other blokes back and killed him, then the snake buggerd off, so i was just wondering if he had to think of the Nolan sisters to get his snake stiff, like i do..........mmmmmmmmmmm blue trousers.

I was hoovering up today and the vac picked up a stone and broke its belt..... so can i borrow a carpet off somebody.                                                                                                                                                                             

Mr Ben likes to go on an adventure or 2, how coool would it be to have the shopkeepers shop so you could go through a door to a total adventure, i would go back to yesterday to have mi 2 sausage sandwiches and mi almond slice.                                                                                                                                                                             

i liked his shop and adventures, but he was a bit creepy!                                                                                                                                                                             

Mi next door neigbour is a bit eccentric he has a cow in his garden, so he bought a mechanical bull, and im sure its climbing over my fence and eating my gladioli's. But i mint have been dreaming that, once dremt i was He Man's tiger but i got cought by the chinks.

Mi mate has built a sex robot, its just not quite right at the moment.                                                                                                                                                                             

Huh, sex robots. well all i can say is im glad he went first.                                                                                                                                                                             

Well i've bought misen a pig only gid 7 qwid for it and its running about the house as happy as larry, but the more i look at it the more i get hungry lol yum yum.                                                                                                                                                                             

Well the pig has gone off to meet the baby jeesus, these bloody things are worst than chickens for scratching the carpets up and i have only 2 foot square of carpet left and the vicar will be coming round for tea, anyway what do you say to 2 blind lesbian dwarfs thats been cought in a lift with a huge marrow. 

I was just thinking, therefore i am, if i was a piece of cardbored would i be a box and if so what would i box. and if anybody has a piece of flock wallpaper can i borrow it cos mine has fallen off, just want to borrow it for a couple of weeks just to impress Holly and her mate cos i think they want to do me.

What not to do while drunk.   1- punch a dwarf, they duck then kick you on the shin and run off, unless its a woman dwarf thats dancing on a table dressed as wonder woman. mmmmmmmmmmmm boots.   2- find a hedgehog take it home and try to comb it, or wear it as a hat they dont much like that, just give it a saucer of milk and don't drop kick it over next doors fence.   3- drop your pants and drag yourself across the floor like a dog does, fine if you have a dog you can blame it for the brown streak, not if you have a goldfish, you could spend all day asking if it was him, he won't answer.   No dwarf's, hedgehog's or bottoms where harmed during the making of this sillyness, so don't call the F.B.I.                                                                                                                                                                              

While buying rings from primark, just accessorising for p.i.l rally, i have found out that birds who buy rings from that shop have large sausage fingers, i have to wear mine over mi bike gloves so i look like Alvin Stardust and that dame Tiki cani wani pani, whoever she is, the opera singer bird for new zealand in a Hitler wig who's very very drunk. Just dressing to impress.

Just tried to make a bacon sandwich using mi iron and its blocked all the little holes up, i think mi house is haunted i carn't remember that corn flake being on the table, or that table is is this my house.                                                                                                                                                                             

Actdaft.......Ermmmmm think they lookin for ya mate!!! Them funny men with white suits!!!

But what the heck, keep dodging them cos without your humour the world would be a very dull, sad place :)

You're defo mad but soo hilarious, keep your little grey matter in peak condition, and keep this thread going!!!!

Excellent                                                                                                                                                                               

it is :   Monday today

did it : Got up

l know : Its Tuesday tomorrow

And yes Actdaft good thread keep it up and professional help is definatley require  lol

                                                                                                                                                                             

Lol. Once got cought, but i escaped by posting myself home in a box. On hindsight i should have posted misen to the Caribbean.....bugger.     I've been invited to a rubber fetish party, don't think im going to go cos mi eraser has fallen off mi pencil and i carn't find mi snorkal.