i am not smiling at that pmsl                                                                                                                                                                             

The cat has run off.                                                                                                                                                                             

the cat knows best                                                                                                                                                                             

Its not my cat.                                                                                                                                                                              

I am not laughing honestly                                                                                                                                                                             

Once made a robot think i wired it wrong as it went crazy ape bonkers and chased me down the street, then it changed its intentions to a little old lady and what it did to her sausage dog would traumatize anybody, now its a kettle and i get the feeling everytime i switch it on its watching me. 

One for the kids, a christmas jingle.   Charging through the snow on a v8 wonder sled, Crashing into trees cos i'm off my fecken head! Been smokin santas pipe'A dozen beers or more, I'm headen to the red light zone to get myself a whore! OH.......jingle bells jingle bells santas smokin weed! Mrs claus is on the floor she's over dosed on speed. Blitzens fecked, the elves are too, they're trippin of their heads, If rudolph snorts another line the c!$% wll end up dead!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                              

Alcohol Warning Labels     WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers and boxers   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering When you are not.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a Retard.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are Laughing WITH you.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your Ass kicked.   WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel Gode.                                                                                                                                                                              

Performance Reviews   These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.   (1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."   (2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity."   (3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."   (4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."   (5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."   (6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."   (7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."   (8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."   (9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."   (10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."   (11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better."   (12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."   (13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."   (14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."   (15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."   (16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."   (17) "He's been working with glue too much."   (18) "He would argue with a signpost."   (19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."   (20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."   (21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."   (22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored...he's the other one."   (23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."   (24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."   (25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."   (26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."   (27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."   (28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."   (29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."   (30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."   (31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."   (32) "One neuron short of a synapse."   (33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."   (34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."   (35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."                                                                                                                                                                              

I'm knackered...Just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white in case the miserable twat next door fancies a snowball fight this weekend                                                                                                                                                                              

I was round my mates house and saw his alsatian licking it's balls. I said to my mate " i wish i could do that" He replied "give him a biscuit he might let you"   Murphy asks Paddy - whats your pet hate? Paddy says - It doesn't like things shoved up its arse!                                                                                                                                                                              

back to the pets again lol                                                                                                                                                                             

Yes look at there cute little face's, get them in the pot they are all meat flavoured.                                                                                                                                                                             

Bill and Ben the flowerpot men!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious.   Interested? Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested? Call me at......                                                                                                                                                                              

How clever!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

Blimey im a bit drunk toneet and women with nice bottoms have boots on, god im only cleaning i have a frog with no legs he is french and he don't spoke england my bee cos im pissefdd or he is a frog could be worst i had a shark in mi bath but feed it chips and he got fat so he could not go to the bank, im walking round pointing cos i can off for a smoke nar cos i am what i am and that is sexy and nfidsibgvfuyabdwufgyuheagbihgvbweigb 

What time lord and darleks on telly nar a radio face like what i am pent 4 weks in provonce thts in russia think i cought the wrong bus.                                                                                                                                                                             

Oh to be in your world ActDaft - you really are sooooo funny                                                                                                                                                                             

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003