Two blondes were hard at work - one would dig a hole and the other would follow behind filling it back in. They worked up one side of the street and back down the other and then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day, without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other following behind filling it back in.

One onlooker was amazed st their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing, so he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you both put in to your work, but I just don't get it - why do you dig a hole only to have your partner follow behind and fill it back in again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and signed, "Well, I suppose it looks odd, because there's normally three of us, but today the girl that the plants the trees called in sick".

a son asks his dad what's the difference between "theoretically" and "realistically".  His dad says "that's hard son, but i have an idea - go and ask your mum if she'll sleep with the milkman for a million pounds", the boy did this and came back "yes she will dad" he said.  "right, now go and ask your sister if she'll sleep with the paperboy for 2 million pounds" the dad said, which the boy did and returned with the answer "yes". "There you go son you have your answer - Theoretically we are sitting on 3 million pounds, but realistically we are living with 2 slappers"                                                                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                                                                             

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze. "Silver," she said. "Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!"                                                                                                                                                                              

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football. The game of choice for middle management is tennis. The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf. Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.                                                                                                                                                                              

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?"I'm out of petrol."The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out."Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up."Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank"?The bee answered,  "BP."                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                               

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''                                                                                                                                                                              

   A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.     The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."     So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."     "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."     Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.      The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                             

Like the pic croc x                                                                                                                                                                             

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive."                                                                                                                                                                              

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after its been eaten. Its called wedding cake!                                                                                                                                                                             

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when ovulating she prefers a man with rugged, masculine features. When menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket bat stuck up his arse.                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                             

England are to change their shirts. The 3 lions will be replaced with 3 tampons to represent the worst period they've ever had...                                                                                                                                                                             

omg millsy.....that is awful......                                                                                                                                                                             

ill ask thomson diane to remove it  i have worse ones than that just cant post them cus ill get banned or beaten

beaten i should imagine lol