Dictionary for women's personal ads

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Buxom = Fat
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Cuddly = Fat
Emotionally Secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship First = Trying to live down slut reputation
Fun = Annoying
Large framed = Hugely fat
New Age = Body hair in all the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Seeking Soulmate = Stalker
Voluptuous = Very fat



*legs it*



                                                                                                                                                                             

Women's English

Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead = You'd better not!
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!
I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Men's English

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner?  = I'd like to have sex with you
Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

*chortles and legs it again*

he heh - excellent!   After my bro's separation we used to spend the evenings looking through the onlite dating sites!   Some of the descriptions were priceless!   One woman wrote in her email to him that she was never happier than when she was 20 feet up in some trees... we were going to write back saying that he was really looking for someone who was happier at 40-45 feet but we decided against it...                                                                                                                                                                               

And finally...

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However, when she is experiencing PMS, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.



I'll shut up now...

                                                                                                                                                                             

*sniggers*

Oh you should've TC! Quality!


Ye gads, I'm twisted...
                                                                                                                                                                             

With that leg over yer shoulder, I'm not surprised.       PS - wot is womanspeak for "I'd like to have sex with you"?                                                                                                                                                                             

i did try a dating site once it's a minefield most of what WB post says is true full o nutter's men an women!![me included]cuddly an bubbly[fat an annoying!] being most used word's!!an none looks like there profile pic!yer best of bein single i tells ya!!some of the ladys i did meet complained mostly of men exagerating there height!which i didnt of course! 

Just wot did u exaggerate?                                                                                                                                                                             

never got round to that sort o thing!!although one was a hooker!!![but no looker!]                                                                                                                                                                             

And you told me you were a twenty something muscley stud muffin before I met you TM.   And I'm not a hooker I'm a lady of the night!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

some of the ladys i did meet complained mostly of men exagerating there height!   I think that could be their fault, TM. Many many moons ago I went to meet a girl that I had been chatting to on a dating site. First thing she said to me when I got off the train was "Oh, your shorter than I thought you were"... date went downhill from there... However, checked the next day and my height was correct on my profile!!                                                                                                                                                                             

And don't ever meet someone who says they "can't" upload a photo of themselves! 

It was more believable 10 years ago as not everybody had digital cameras/web cams/mobiles etc... but even so... what an eejit I was!

I actually burst out laughing when it became apparent that the somewhat effeminate and grossly obese individual, wearing an ill-fitting suit, was the "rugged, rugby player type" that I was expecting to meet!

If that's "rugged" then I must be the most butch woman ever to walk the planet!
                                                                                                                                                                             

And there are some VERY scary "ladies" out there...

An old mate of mine thought his luck was in when the woman he'd met up with suggested going back to hers after she'd finished her first drink...

She announced that she wanted to fulfill a fantasy...

Turned out the fantasy was to be shagged by a complete stranger, while her 2 Dobermans "watched"!

Run away! Run away! Faster! Fleeeeeeeeeee!

scary hoe could you!!!!leest yu did look like your piccy!!most memorable thing about the whole affair for yu was me braces!!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

Yes I think both our glances were in the same area..LOL                                                                                                                                                                             

bring's it all back[sigh]                                                                                                                                                                             

Not as good as the original I had, but this is the best I can find at the mo for the Male Personal Ads:

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
                                                                                                                                                                               

anybody met anyone of here that didnt fit thier profile?                                                                                                                                                                             

I confess that it wasn't a Norwegian fishing vessel... I just wanted to sound cool.

*hangs head in shame*

Met 2 chaps quite soon after joining who were WAY better looking than their photos

My lips are sealed... but they know who they are, cos I told 'em so...
                                                                                                                                                                             

I've been told I don't look my picture...