Every day a 3rd grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
                                                                                                                                                                             

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."
                                                                                                                                                                             

A gay guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
                                                                                                                                                                             

 

A cop driving down the street saw two ladies with a sign that read, "2 girls for the price of one".
he stops and tells them to get rid of the sign or he will run them in!

They comply and he procedes down the street only to pass a man with a sign that says 'Jesus Saves',
The cop just waves as he passes and the girls see this.

The next day they are waiting on the cop to drive by and as he does they start flagging him down
and they say that "they saw him let the guy with the sign down the street keep his sign, and they don’t think that he was fair with them,"

The cop says , You two dumbasses, that was a religous sign and he drives off.

The next day he drives by and low and behold the girls have a sign that reads,
"Two fallen angels looking for Peter..."                                                                                                                                                                              

A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist (ass doctor) is checking him out when he finds a roll of Fifties up the guy’s arse. He pulls out the money and counts it

"You’re not going to believe this but I’ve just found £1950 pounds up your arse"

"Hmmm" says the patient "That's why I haven’t been feeling too grand"
                                                                                                                                                                             

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mummy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mum responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mummy said.

A few days later the mum told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:

"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
                                                                                                                                                                             

 A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I can hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered. "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."                                                                                                                                                                              

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. C
...an I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "She's in the boot if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"                                                                                                                                                                              

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
                                                                                                                                                                             

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking past the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

                                                                                                                                                                             

I've just joined Match.com.

Because I couldn't think of anything new, I added the same bio that I used to sell my car on Autotrader ...

White - Average condition - Reliable - Cheap - Some evidence of rear end damage.                                                                                                                                                                             

A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You WANKER... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother!".

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

                                                                                                                                                                             

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow:

"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
                                                                                                                                                                             

There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing.
They were called to appear in court the next day so the judge called up duck 1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight the duck said "blowing bubbles"
So then the judge called up duck 2 and asked the same question and the duck said "blowing bubbles".
Then the judge called up duck 3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and the duck said "No I am BUBBLES"

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two.

'Merlin, you are a genius!' said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

'Sir Galahad', exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

A lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything. About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not believe it and being too shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it." Well, About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained. "Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
 
"Pepper," Ian replied.

                                                                                                                                                                             

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have a 'Private Health Plan' and they're having theirs done on the 'NHS'...”

                                                                                                                                                                             

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed..
“I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

                                                                                                                                                                             

 A teacher was teaching her second year class about the government, so for homework that day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little George got home, he went up to his dad and ask him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the Prime Minister, your mum is Parliament, the maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."

"I still don't get it" responded Little George."Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said his dad."Okay then...good night" said young George and went off to bed.In the middle of the night, little George was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his cot and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his nappy. So Little George went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mum loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little George was surprised, but then he realized something and thinks aloud,  'OH! Now I understand the government!'
'The Prime Minister is screwing the work force, Parliament is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people and the future is full of shit!'

                                                                                                                                                                             

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day.
The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas." The woman obliged and removed her clothing. "Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on." While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man.
 
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."