A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.    

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who isboss, he beats it to death with a spade.Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish byfeeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he isattacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, becauselions eat anything..He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the SouthAmerican Bees.As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade andsmashes the bees to a pulp.By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage becauselions eat anything.Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps withMushy Bees. 

                                                                                                                                                                             

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that fuckin' monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

                                                                                                                                                                             

The owner of a chemist shop walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.  He asks the assistant, "What's with that guy doing over there by the wall?"
The assistant says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The assistant replies, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

                                                                                                                                                                             

Jeremy Corbyn and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t and the pig was killed. Jeremy told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
Three hours later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.“What happened?” asked Jeremy. “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Jeremy.
The driver replied: “I told them, I’m Jeremy Corbyn’s driver and I just killed the pig.”

                                                                                                                                                                             

First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."

Houston)
"What's the problem?"

1st woman)
"Nothing."

Houston)
"Please tell us."

1st woman)
"I'm fine."                                                                                                                                                                             

My grandad always said, “Don't watch your money; watch your health.” So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandad.                                                                                                                                                                             

I walked into a pub yesterday....how i didn't see a 40ft tall brick building i'll never know...:(                                                                                                                                                                             

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.                                                                                                                                                                             

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £500. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says:
 
"I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
                                                                                                                                                                             

I took a spider out for a drink last night.
Fascinating girl, she's a web designer.
                                                                                                                                                                             

A lot of men think using a moisturiser after a shave is a bit feminine.

 I don`t,

 i think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
er text here                                                                                                                                                                             

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at nine o'clock sharp I wake up."                                                                                                                                                                              

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
 
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.Red meat is awful,  vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”                                                                                                                                                                             

"Mummy,why has Grandad got his willy in the biscuit tin?"
"Ignore him,dear,he's fucking crackers!!"
                                                                                                                                                                             

I had to go to the hospital to have a mole removed from my penis,didn't take long....but the doctor said he'd report me to the RSPCA if it happens again..:/                                                                                                                                                                             

I was gutted when my poor cat drowned in the washing machine...
But At least he died in Comfort                                                                                                                                                                              

My grandad always used to say: "As one door closes, another door opens".

Lovely fellow, shit submarine captain.
                                                                                                                                                                             

 Ragnar