A cannibal entered a human meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. 
The cannibal began to inspect the meat counters and noticed the market specialized in brain. Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats.
A carpenter's brain sells for £1.50 per pound.
A plumber's brain sells for £2.25 per pound.
He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for £375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face: "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?" 

                                                                                                                                                                             

A family decide to buy a parrot from a bird rescue centre-they're informed the bird formerly lived in a brothel but decide to take it anyway so they cover the cage and take it home.
On removing the cover the parrot looks around the room then chirps "new premises",looks at the mother and chirps "new madam",the daughter walks in and the parrot chirps "new girl".
Then her dad walks in and the parrot chirps "alright Keith"!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

Beyonce has just discovered that 'Roy Castle' was really her father.
Can't see her taking his surname somehow.                                                                                                                                                                             

Love Australian Style....
Bruce - "Gooday Sheila,Fancy A F*ck?"
Sheila - "Well, You Just Talked Me Into It,Ya Silver-Tongued Bastard"
                                                                                                                                                                             

World's Shortest Film Review...
BrokeBack Mountain..."Yup?" "Yep!"
                                                                                                                                                                             

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat."That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman said with admiration."Thanks," the girl replied.The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.The fireman said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."The little girl replied thoughtfully: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."                                                                                                                                                                             

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a fridge?

Killed.                                                                                                                                                                             

I joined a new secret group on Facebook but got booted out after posting 1 picture.

Apparently, the wife bending over the bed with a cucumber sticking out of her arse isn't what they meant by food porn :-/                                                                                                                                                                             

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage.

Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?"

The Lion replies, "Fuckin' brilliant mate, today we had, Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

I'm so unlucky even my imaginary friend is ginger!                                                                                                                                                                             

What’s the difference between an angry audience and a cow with laryngitis?

One boos madly and the other moos badly!!

Taxi...........                                                                                                                                                                             

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."

^^^^ lmao
                                                                                                                                                                             

How to blow your chances for dummies.............

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a battery?

A: A battery has a positive side

-

Scientists in Japan have invented a new digital camera with such a fast shutter speed, that it's now possible to take a photo of a woman with her mouth shut!!

Just for balance........

Q: What's the difference between a man and a condom?

A: Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

-

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

whats the likeness and difference between a coffin and a condom ?
they both have stiffs in them but ones comming the others going                                                                                                                                                                             

What are the three shortest words in the English language?

Is it in?                                                                                                                                                                             

An old lady gets in a lift and then two snobby women one woman turns to the other and says smell that Chanel £50 an ounce the other says smell that Cristian dior £60 an ounce with that the old lady lets out a roaring fart and says smell that Brussel sprouts 25p pound.