A man gets home from night shift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex. He climbs under the bottom of the duvet, gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy till she quivers and cums all over his face. He then goes into the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there shaving her legs !!!!  " WOT THE F**K YOU DOING HERE "he yells.. ........................................................ "Sssshhhh " she says , you`ll  wake your mother.....!                                                                                                                                                                             

when is a pixie not a pixie ? when he`s got his head up a fairys skirt then he`s a goblin                                                                                                                                                                             

i went to a disco last week ... they played the twist > i did the twist they played the bump > i did the bump they played come on eileen > i got kicked out ..                                                                                                                                                                             

standing at the urinals next to a midget, i noticed him winking at me , so i turned my back a bit. when i looked round he was still winking at me , i said whats your problem ? do you fancy me or something........ he replied , no your splashing in my eye !

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you? A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse.                                                                                                                                                                             

Little Jonny walks into the kitchen and says to his mother 
"granny`s got a prawn" 
" How do you mean, granny`s got a prawn"
 she replies so jonny takes his mother into the living room to find his grandmother lying on the couch with a protruding clitoris.
he points to it and says
"granny`s got a prawn"
"that`s not a prawn" she replies "thats your grandma`s clitoris, son"
to which jonny replies
"well it tastes like a prawn !"                                                                                                                                                                             

Jonny goes to an ice cream parlour with his dad. 
"What flavour do you want FAT HEAD"His dad says and slaps him across the head.
"That`s not nice" says the Ice cream man "why do you call him Fat Head"
His dad replies " there are three things a man wants in this life, a nice house, a fast bike and a woman with a tight pussy. I have a nice house and a fast bike and I did have a woman with a tight pussy till FAT HEAD came along!!!"                                                                                                                                                                              

The pope has now allowed the use of condoms in special circumstances .............
Like young choir  boys with diahorea !                                                                                                                                                                             

i want a hole , i want a hole, i want a holiday......     to see the c**t, to seee the c**t,  to see the country........     f**k u, f**k u, f**curiosity........                                                                                                                                                                             

Why does a man have his best ideas when he's having sex with a woman?   Because he's plugged in to a genius of course                                                                                                                                                                             

why cant blonds be good cattle ranchers ? `cos they cant keep their calves together !!!     why was the blond upset when she got her driving licence ? because she got an F in sex !!!     whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ? a blond electrician !!!     what did the blond say when she was asked if she ever got picked up by the fuzz ? no but ive been swung round by the tits !!!                                                                                                                                                                               

so I bought my wife a dildo.

She said, " It looks like a giant carrot !"

....which is ironic really as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning
                                                                                                                                                                             

nice 1                                                                                                                                                                              

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?A. His body                                                                                                                                                                             

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?A. A woman to show him how to work it.
                                                                                                                                                                             

Q. Why do men name their penises?A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
                                                                                                                                                                             

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."So what's your problem?" ask the others."I don't wake up until nine!"                                                                                                                                                                             

Why men are like computers: 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.9. A better model is always just around the corner.8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.7. It is always necessary to have a backup.6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.3. The lights are on but nobody's home.2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.1. Size does matter                                                                                                                                                                             

10 things not to tell your man:
10. Oh come on! Who's gonna find out?

9. Well, your brother likes it this way.

8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!

7. Dare to compare?

6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?

5. Is it supposed to bend that way?

4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?

3. Just go away I can finish myself!

2. I'm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!

1. Is it in yet
                                                                                                                                                                             

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"