Had a snowball fight with local youths, one retaliated with a rock in it had 12 stitches at the hospital, booked mi penis reduction operation while i was there.came home and was bitten by a dog then triped up on the oil cloth knocked 2 front teeth out, and now im a right handsome b,stard.

Some  sayings

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to your house of worship doesn't make you a religious person, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Always borrow money from a pessimist.. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 
                                                                                                                                                                             

to upset some one.... I've just got back from an 18 to 30 holiday. What a f***ing great 12 years.   I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage. Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.   What's worse than being captured by the Taliban? Being rescued by the Americans.   Wouldn't it have been fun if ... We had all greeted the Chilean Miners dressed up as the "Planet of the Apes".   When I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute I was relieved.   Do you reckon when Jesus Christ stubbed his little toe he used to just hop around and go, "Me, me, me, me!"?   After 66 years my granddad still holds the record for the biggest Bonfire. Well, him and the rest of his bomber crew.   Make the fire-fighters feel like fools when they're on strike by not setting fire to anything   Irish acid bath murderer burnt his hand off pulling the plug out   I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like an army bomb disposal expert.   David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.   I was minding my own business in the pub last night when a man came over to me and said, "You look like a poof." I was so outraged I immediately challenged him to a dance off.   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?   The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three f-ing hours ago.   My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.   You would think that, if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish.   Liverpool have made a bid for Rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season.   Wayne Rooney's gone to Dubai for his birthday. He must have been saving up for that all day.   There's a new Barbie on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm and with Aids. It's called Zimbarbie.   Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).   I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male lions shagging each other. I thought, "F**k me, have they got no pride?"   BBC News: "Scots throw away £460 worth of food each every year" Maybe McDonald's should stop putting salad in their burgers.   "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "American special forces" "NO, NO THANKS, I'M OK"   I didn't realise my girlfriend could do such a brilliant Darth Vader impression. Although, I don't recall Darth Vader ever saying "Please... give me back.... my inhaler."                                                                                                                                                                              

 Everyone's a fluffy one 

Back on form I see mad'un :>>                                                                                                                                                                             

Off mi meds now so back to normality.                                                                                                                                                                             

A woman weightlifter

......goes to the doctors and says: "I've been taking steroids and have grown a cock" ..... to which the doctor enquires: "Anabolic?" .... the woman replies: "No......just a cock"
                                                                                                                                                                             

Single vs. Engaged vs. Married   Sipping her drink, the single 20-year-old girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of work, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"   The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"   The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"                                                                                                                                                                              

Are you for real?????                                                                                                                                                                             

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
                                                                                                                                                                             

I owe my mother 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC . "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shop with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT . "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY . "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER . "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY . "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY . "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS . "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS . "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM . "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE . "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".                                                                                                                                                                              

Money and energy saving tips....   DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.   DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.   SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741GP,   DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.   AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.   SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.   HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.   OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.   SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.   SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to the charity shop, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.   CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.   MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.   SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.   WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.                                                                                                                                                                              

The amazing human body.   It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.  One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).   The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.   Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.   A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.   There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.   Women blink twice as often as men.   The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.   Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.   If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.   Women reading this will be finished now.   Men are still busy measuring and checking their thumb                                                                                                                                                                              

The longest human hair is the eyelash, it grows through the body and comes out at the arse. If you want proof, pull a hair out of your arse, i bet your eyes water!                                                                                                                                                                             

So there I was......

Naked, with me knob lubed up, a Stegosaurus glove puppet on one hand, a Tyrannosaurus Rex puppet on the other, and a whole box of tissues on standbye.....
 How stupid did I feel when I put on the DVD and realised it was called "WALKING with Dinosaurs".....!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 
                                                                                                                                                                             

Ford and Renault are merging ideas to come up with a small economical car for women only. It will take parts of the Renault Clio, and the Ford Taurus, and be known as the Clitaurus. Available only in pink, with various designs of fur on the dashboard. The major advantage of this car is that male car thieves, even if told where it is, won't be able to find it

NASA........

sent a woman, Jenny, and 2 chimps up into space on a mission. The radio messages went as follows..... "Chimp1, Optimise life support systems and recalibrate tyhe radiation monitoring equipment." "Chimp2,Check tradjectory and compensate if required using the formula (m2-3n)x(5-m3)." "Control to Jenny,Hoover capusle, feed the Chimps and touch f%*k all"
                                                                                                                                                                             

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Captain i would like to say that this is not what this was and so it was there and we shot them all, now in my defence it was pionting in the right direction and i had no control of what i did. but i had a large weapon and i used it becouse it said so and im not gay like mr beckham, so anyway mary crossed the street becouse she wanted a penny chew but they only had plastecine witch left a taste in her mouth as she went down the line of sea horse's and they were happy cos they were anyway mi finger hurts becouse it does cos i got it stuck and it was not a pretty site and there for i am when i am king of the world you would be able to smoke in pubs and dance naked in a car park with no repercoustins its now i have gave up cos its time for mi bottle and nursey to put me to bed think i need a glove puppet of a dinosor and a mirror cos im sexy like that and so in the morrow i sahll go into my garage and fabriate stuff i think i will make a working model of the battle of hastings bring bring somebody on the fone, later peeps and im just of for a squirt.