Just started a new thread especialy for jokes so heres one to start off with....   Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white and wispy   Then it caught foot and mouth   Now its black and crispy !                                                                                                                                                                             

That was terrible... Try this...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

                                                                                                                                                                             

kay point taken DM, this any better ??     Girl in confession Says she doesn't wear knickers.... "God forgive you" says priest.... do 2 Our Fathers, 2 hail Marys..... and on your way out, two cart wheels !!                                                                                                                                                                             

Just been offered a new job. £500 a week working for the brittle bone society. I snapped his hand off...lol                                                                                                                                                                             

Much better! Of course I wouldn't associate with girls who go commando myself ;-)

                                                                                                                                                                             

<true story> On the way to work yesterday I saw a tiny sign at the side of the road, something to do with a fete, but i couldn't read the rest. This morning I slowed right down and squinted carefully at the sign... it was in support of the RNIB.

PMSL @ Skins !!   Two women bump into each other in town, they haven't seen each other for ages and one asks after the other ones husband. "My Ted died last week" the woman says.  " He went in the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead in the middle of the veggie patch!"  "Oh I'm so sorry," the other woman says, "What did you do?"  She replies "Oh it was okay.  I opened a can of peas instead !"                                                                                                                                                                             

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife. He jumps on the wife, kisses her ear then runs into the bathroom.   The husband whispers to his wife - "Satisfy him or he will kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you. Just be strong...i love you....   The wife replies... He didnt kiss me he whsipered in my ear. He is gay, horny and looking for vaseline.. I told him its in the bathroom.   Lets see whos strong now... love you too...                                                                                                                                                                             

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children. One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up. Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.                                                                                                                                                                               

What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common? They both come with plastic jugs!!!!                                                                                                                                                                              

Things In Football That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.                                                                                                                                                                              

pmsl                                                                                                                                                                              

Newlyweds go to the hotel to check into the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks if they have any reservations.   The bride replies "well i am not sure about taking it up the  Ar                                                                                                                                                                              

LMAO                                                                                                                                                                             

What do you get if you cross a pitbull terrier with lassie?              a dog that bites your arm off--and then goes for help!                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                             

Heard this on the radio on my way back from Oxford today.....   Two chickens stood by the road.  One say's to the other: "I'm gonna cross the road, d'ya fancy it?"   The other replies: "I don't think that's such a good idea, we'll never hear the last of it!"     Well, I thought it was funny lol                                                                                                                                                                             

Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors. David, Darren & Daisy...They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. One day Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren she decides to kill herself. Sad for David and Darren but they get over her. Again nature takes its course and after a couple of more years the lads feel bad about what they are doing...   So they decide to bury her.......lol                                                                                                                                                                             

Two puff's run into a back ally after causing trouble outside the kebab shop. A copper gives chase and runs into the ally with his tourch, looking around he cant see anyone, thinking he's lost them he shouts aload "If I get hold of you, this trunchon is going right up your ass!" when a sheepish voice replies..."we're in the bin"