Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.   Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!   Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."   Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.   Leo (July 23 - August 22) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)   Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.   Libra (September 23 - October 22) An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.   Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.   Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.   Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."   Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.   Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however. Have a great day everyone                                                                                                                                                                              

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

There's a bugger and I'm on night shift as well :-)                                                                                                                                                                             

Some great advice for Virgos and Sagittarians I think                                                                                                                                                                              

Pisces, thats amazing just got invited to spend time with a bunch of wankers that i dislike a lot, and i have a nice big box of scorpions kicking about the place that i didn't know what to do with. What a stroke of luck.