reflect on the way you behave as an adult?

This thought came about from a post in the 'what made you sad' thread.

I sometimes wonder how some adults who were abused/neglected etc as children go on to become mature sensible adults ensuring they don't replicate with their children what they had to endure.

Then there is the opinion that some adults don't know better as 'it was the way they were brought up'.  For example a boy sees his dad hit his mum so he 'thinks' it's normal to behave the same with his partner....

I'm sure it's a lot more complex than that and would like to hear the thoughts of others.


                                                                                                                                                                             

I dont think folk realise how much they are affected by the child hood especialy them who have had a stable and confidence building one ! ill sit and watch this thread see what gets said and how long till SF sparks up !                                                                                                                                                                              

I was lucky in that I had great parents but we were very poor, so what I tried to do was take the good parenting side and try to give my three sons all the things I never had.                                                                                                                                                                                     you dont know how your kids will turn out you just do the best you can and try to give them the best start you can.                                                                                                                                                          lucky again at 22 19 and 16 there all I could hope for.               

To answer your question Blackberry; “Does the way you were brought up.....reflect on the way you behave as an adult?” No, not entirely. Regardless of my upbringing of how I am today, I’m grateful too of the friends I’ve had and the ones who are still around me. In other words, I’ve understood them as well as I did my parents, when it comes to good morals.                                                                                                                                                                             

I think it does, although hopefully the bad things you learn not to repeat as well as making sure you do the good things as well or better than your parents did.   It is unfortunate though that statistics apparently prove that victims of abuse become abusers themselves - something I found really hard to believe when it comes to people that have suffered sexual abuse as children, surely they would be the ones who knew how bad it was and would never want to repeat it.   What a mixed up world we live in.  I do not have a very tolerant view of people who blame their parents for everything in later life, you make your own choices in life between right and wrong and if you were not taught the difference between the two as a child, there comes a point in your adult life when you are certainly aware of the difference.                                                                                                                                                                             

i had a good upbriging, but my mum (god rest her soul) never had fun for its own sake, so i try and take the good things i was given in my childhood (stability, fairness, honesty,  etc) but inject some fun into it too - both my kids are pretty well balanced, with their own opinions, but also respectful. we have fun (i went out with my eldest on saturday night) but they still know i'm the mum!! xxxx                                                                                                                                                                             

I'm a bit like you mandy. My parents were honest, sound people who instilled good morals in me but it wasn't a laugh a minute in our house. They were both knocking on a bit when I came along and had bad health and both were dead by the time I was 14. My upbringing and that experience has made me very independent and resiliant. I know that I'm a survivor and I also know that it is possible to turn something incredibly negative round, and find something amusing and hopeful in even the bleakest moments   But I also know that good things have to be appreciated and cherished...and I am so bloody minded and determined when it comes to doing the things with my life that I want to do. I think I've succeeded in passing that on to my kids...grab those opportunities with both hands and if you don't then you have nobody but yourself to blame...but hopefully there's been a bit more fun and silliness in our house                                                                                                                                                                             

I had a crap childhood... My mother walked out on us when I was 10 and my father beat me until I could leave home legally. I have never and would never hit my daughters... That is something that I learnt from my past, to never treat my children how I was treated...

The down side now is that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and have tried suicide many times.. Mostly from how I was treated when I was younger... My fathers attitude is "If I hit you its because you deserved it".. What a b*****d he really is!!   

I do despise both my parents and happy never to see them again..

My time spend in the HM Forces gave me the ability to look after myself.. I do have high morals and always treat others how I like to be treated..                                                                                                                                                                               

. I'm another fail-er from a broken homehugs to any one who needs them

My childhood was miserable because both my parents would beat me, but they never beat my younger sister. I have no idea why that was and after I put myself through therapy I no longer care, it just is what it is. I made a conscious decision to give my own daughter a totally different childhood to mine & we have a good relationship. I love my parents because they brought me into this world I just don't like them much but I won't allow myself to hate them because it gives them a hold over me that they don't deserve. My parents could never understand why I would never allow my daughter to spend time alone with them when she was young, as far as they're concerned I deserved everything I got. I still have a relationship with my parents and yeah I'm still a disappointment to them! However, I like me                                                                                                                                                                              

I guess if you read enough on pschology / behaviour you understand how we do all adopt learnt behaviour and its hard but not impossible to change the pattern.                                                                                                                                                                               

I've been bloody lucky, count my blessings every day and try to treat other folk how I want to be treated... My mum wasn't a 'huggy' mum, yup I got leathered (mostly after I'd tried to kill my Bruvs lol), my dad was an arse but u know what...

Yes I've been shaped by my experiences, have been traumatised by things but my philosophy is ur past shapes u and guides u into making better choices but if u let it define u and let it influence ur decisions then u lose out on an awesome future...

Life's about living, enjoying what ur doing and having the balls to hold ur head high no matter what, stick 2 fingers up to anyone who tries to drag u down and when all else fails have a whinge and wine night with ur bestie, and giggle ur arse of.... If I don't make at least one person laugh every day then I'm not doing my job right, if my son doesn't launch himself on me when he see's me I'm not being a mum and if I can't sit on my daughters knee once a day she thinks I'm miserable...

I walk thro life with a smile on my face, lean towards extreme giddiness and I really do enjoy every day :-) it's all about making bloody good memories to see u thro the bad times and thankfully know my friends are there to hold my hand or slap my arse when I need them :-) u can't make other folk happy but u can make them smile which perks them up xx

I had a brilliant childhood, so after reading some of these posts i feel very lucky indeed.

I think on the whole most folk do learn from example.  But as shown above doesnt necessarily mean they duplicate it.

My parents didn't split up but stayed together for 40 plus years until my Dad passed away 9 years ago.  I split with my ex when my son was 8, he is now 24 and would be classed as the product of a single parent upbringing.  He breaks the mold in many ways from the steriotype, but i would like to think i raised him with all the good things i gained from my parents with a few things i thought of myself.

IMO its all down to personal choice and moral value as adults

This is very interesting thread. I was adopted and grew up in quite a horrible home environment, although I had a great time growing up with friends and spent most of my time out of the house. My two younger sisters were born to my adopted parents and they have grown up with some of the character traits of my mum and dad, however I do not have any of the traits. I can't imagine some of the stuff that went on my house.Even as a kid I used to cringe at the antics and crap that came out of my dads mouth. So my answer to your question is i believe there is more to be said about genetic traits rather than what you see as a child.                                                                                                                                                                              

I have had a good upbringing,,learned from my grandparents as much as from mom and dad,,.

I have brought up both my daughters on my own, and they are both truly wonderfull young ladies,,unfortunately their fathers were very bad fathers, so ive had to make sure that after they left the horrible things they witnessed didnt turn them into bad kids,

,its heart breaking to have to defend and shield your children from their own fathers bullying, and vicious abuse.                                                                                                                                                                             

I had a wonderful childhood. My Mom was the most amazing and beautiful person that I have ever had the pleasure to have known.  If I have just half of the qualities that she had, then I am a happy woman   Think Mom and Dad did a grand job with me.   I am not a parent, so I refrain from commenting on something I have no experience with.    I would like to think that any children of mine would have turned out to be wonderful people, but I guess there are no guarentees in this life.                                                                                                                                                                             

I think we are all molded by how our parents brought us up......whether that makes us better or worse people than them is up to each individual to achieve... I had a very privilidged childhood which i am very thankful for and consider myself lucky....but  i know not everyone is so lucky.....so....when we are moaning about our lot in life, would do us good to remember the people less fortunate than us!!!!!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

I think if children are taught how to respect people they are half way there, and a lot of other things just fall into place from there. I do understand it must be difficult if there has been some sort of emotional damage though.                                                                                                                                                                             

I was very fortunate to have a great childhood and very loving parents.....unfortunatly both are no longer here and i miss them every day, particularly my mum and her crazy sense of humour. I so wish she could have met my gorgeous kids.....she'd have adored them.

My parents were my role models and i have brought up my 5 children (mostly as a single parent) with the values i learnt as a child. Unfortunatly my marriages have not lasted and  i have been ill several times in the last few years. I have worried and fretted  about the impact this  has had on my children but  time has shown me how resilient kids can be and i'm pleased to say  they have all turned out  really well.

So in answer to the question......yes i do feel our childhood has a lasting effect on us. .....be it positive or negative.......and it amazes me how individuals can overcome adversity as already shown on this thread.