WEIGHT watchers. After reaching your ideal weight, maintain it by weighing yourself before and after a dump. The weight difference is the amount of food you can eat before having another dump. PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer. AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days. RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner. SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned. FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon. EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a **** anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged. MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'.. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls. BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. MUMS Make bath nights more fun for the kids by playing 'moth aircraft carrier'. Simply float a shoebox in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the bathroom lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings. DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.                                                                                                                                                                             

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.   I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.   Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.   What happens if you get scared half to death twice.   A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.   For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.   The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.   The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.   If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.                                                                                                                                                                                     

awww they cheered me up thanks act x

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"   I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house and four people died.   Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.   If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?   If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?   I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.   If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?   If God dropped acid, would he see people?   I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I meltdry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"   I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you knowthe speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to beout that long..."   I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it'sgoing to be up all night.   When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" Isaid, "No, I made a few mistakes."                                                                                                                                                                                     

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud . I will race you around the farmhouse Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm-house and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit......third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance.                                                                                                                                                                             

Cheered me up and had a great laugh
                                                                                                                                                                             

Good greif Act, you don't stop do you. pmsl                                                                                                                                                                             

Ha ha the chicken one is the best lol                                                                                                                                                                                

An ad found in the Solihull Times, Personal Section: I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this! ..........................................   Wanted A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden, classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. Interested? Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested? Call me at night on...                                                                                                                                                                             

ha-ha very good actdaft! Made me chuckle on this dreary Friday!
                                                                                                                                                                             

PMSL - u ever thought of taking comedy up for a living act??  lol                                                                                                                                                                              

No cos im too busy with mi snails.                                                                                                                                                                             

Too busy with your snails??? ha-ha. You do have some great jokes though.,...the next Lee Evans maybe?                                                                                                                                                                              

I've tought it to fetch a stick back, but it lost intrest so i put it in mi catapult and shot it into nextdoors garden, but i think its now very ill. And before anybody calls the FBI i haven't got a catapult,it jumped.                                                                                                                                                                                

  ROFL @ AD's last comment, you really are daft                                                                                                                                                                              

Inbred.                                                                                                                                                                              

High six Act !!!! 


                                                                                                                                                                             

Got a new book on how to be normal.. by the guy next door who like sponge puddings and is not allowed anything sharpe.