paddy walks into the pub looking like he was run over by a bus ,,,,sean the bar owner says wot happened to you ,,,,had a fight with jamie o'conner ,,,wot that wee sh*te he must have had something in his hands to do that ,,,,,,yeag bloody big shovel beat the sh*t outta me with it ,,,,,,did you not defened yourself like had you nothing in your hands ,,,,,yip that i did mrs o'conners breast thing of beauty but bloody useless in a fight                                                                                                                                                                              

Tickle Me Elmo!

There is a town in America where they make Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, Wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!

Haha, excellent Jokes, and thanks for starting this topic! Hopefully one to keep people like yourselves returning!   Here's one...   A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.   Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."   The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough there they were, about 50 of 'em, torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.   As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, "leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals. Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!"   " St, Peter, impressed, says "Really? when did this happen?"   "Oh, about two minutes ago."                                                                                                                                                                             

Funny but so wrong!    ...   A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.  She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.  So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.  The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke.  I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."                                                                                                                                                                              

3 nuns go into the off sales for a bottle of whisky shopowner says no i heard you 3 were naughty girls ,,,nuns no sir it isn't for us its for mother superiors constapation honest so the sells them the whisky at closing time the shop owner is driving home and sees the 3 nuns lying at the side of the road pissed ,,he stops the car and walks over to them i knew you 3 were a bad lot you told me that whisky was for mother superiors constapation ,,nuns say it is it is when she sees us she'll shite herself                                                                                                                                                                             

no offence meant! what outranks  princess? a british airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. as the plane prepared to land he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers"captain marvey has asked me to announce he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly lovely people,so if you could put your trays up that would be super. on his trip down the aisle he noticed a very well dressed woman had'nt moved a muscle,"perhaps you dint hear me over those big brute engines,i asked you to raise your trayzy poo so the main man can pitty pat us onto the ground"she calmly turned her head and said"in my country i am calleda princess,i take orders from no one!" to which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat"well-sweetcheeks,in my country i am called a queen so i outrank you,TRAY UP BITCH.                                                                                                                                                                              

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
from a difficult four
hour,surgical procedure. A young, student nurse
appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are
my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from
worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them,
Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her
and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but,
listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

guy goes into confession ,,,,father forgive me its been 2 weeks since my last confession i've had sex with fany green fo 2 weeks ,,,,,ok my son say three hail marys and your forgiven ,,,,,just as the preist is about to go another guy comes in ,,,father forgive me its been 4 weeks since my last confession i've had sex with fanny green for 3 weeks ,,,preist whos this fanny green is she new in the area guy yes father ,,,ok my son say 8 hail marys and your forgiven ,,next day in chapel this beautiful woman in a green mini skirt and emerald shoes walks up to the alter and sits down legs slightly parted the preist and alter boys jaws drop open ,,,,preist says to alter boy is that fanny green ,,,no father i think its just the reflection in her shoes                                                                                                                                                                              

hahaha, all very funny. Particularly likes the gay air steward, lol.   The vibrator...  AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."                                                                                                                                                                              

lmfao ,,,,,,,,,,very good matt                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                             

I hear echos a rednecks somewhere roun' 'ere!                                                                                                                                                                             

lol must find my joke book as i dont no any, well not yet anyway hahahahaha                                                                                                                                                                             

Only joke ive got is........ dont take water cap off car while still HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                              

lol rock chick, glad to see you can laugh while in pain, hope you are getting plenty of sympathy posts. kay                                                                                                                                                                             

man walks into pub to meet friend for drink.both get seated when his friend takesa small grand piano out of duffle bag,places it on the table.quickly followed by a small piano stool,then to the mans amazement,his friend pulls out a foot high man in concert suit, the little guy starts to limber up with a few hand stretches before settling down to play the most heart ripping music.the guy is blown away and after regaining his speech, gabbles"how?,where? when did you find him?" his friend reaches once more into the duffle bag,and pulling out a brass lamp explained "its all because of this! its true about making wishes,i rubbed this lamp and "pouffff " i was granted a wish. the man can hardly contain himself "can i have  a go,please,please please".his friend agrees and the guy rubs the side of the brass lamp and "pouffff" sure enough a genie appears and says "you may have one wish".the guy closes his eyes, makes a wish and "poufffff" the pub is filled to the rafters with  a millionducks, "oh no,"shouts the man,"i did'nt wish for ducks,i wished for bucks"  His friend shouted back, "The bloody genies deaf,do you seriously think i would have asked for a 12 inch pianist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

it is isnt it kay good that i can laugh about it no not got many sympathy votes yet! but im working on it lol                                                                                                                                                                             

ohhhhhhhhhhh the pain im in, come on u know u all feel sorry for me hahahahaha                                                                                                                                                                              

Big packet of sympathy for Rockchick   I like one liners   What's brown and sticky?  A stick.   etc etc                                                                                                                                                                             

hey rock we all know your hotstuff ,,,,,no need to scald yourself to prove it ,,,lmao