A PROSTITUTE told a court of her horror at being attacked by the same man on two separate occasions.
The woman, who can't be named, said she feared for her life at the hands of .................. of Elland.

She told Bradford Crown Court that the first time she was picked up, in May 2008, she agreed to perform oral sex in an isolated Elland field before the incident turned nasty and her false teeth got dislodged.

"I started to give him oral sex and he started to get aggressive when the time was up," said the woman.

"I was trying to bite him but with my false teeth there was nothing I could do.

Takes all kinds ...she's obviously a *sucker* for punishment Ha Ha                                                                                                                                                                              

Not many sheep in Elland one just has to make do                                                                                                                                                                             

  Baa humbug!                                                                                                                                                                              

Cancel your credit card before you die......... .

Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.  

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member:   'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank:  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.. '

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'  

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)  

Citibank:  'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:  'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help....'

Family Member:  ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
                                                                                                                                                                               

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.  The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! 
   
Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.  
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the  bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had Got him back pretty good.  
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'  
'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'
                                                                                                                                                                             

ukharley that joke about the oldies and fartin ad me in fits of laughter, only problem woz, I woz drinkin a drink at the time n spat it bak in the cup                                                                                                                                                                             

Oh my my ... brilliant ukharley you got me ear to ear with that one hee hee                                                                                                                                                                             

sorry if i made u choke D hahahahaha

ex glad u like mate lol
                                                                                                                                                                             

this ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! Be sure you read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!
================================= Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one...
 
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


===============


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.

===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

== =============


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Cano n help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!                                                                                                                                                                              

lmao!!                                                                                                                                                                             

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. (Boy does this sound familiar!)

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!                                                                                                                                                                              

WONDERFUL!!!!!!!! at them ALL....                                                                                                                                                                             

OAP shoplifter lacks bite A 70-year-old shoplifter tried to evade capture by biting an arresting officer before realising he'd left his dentures at home. Pensioner Gustav Ernegger turned on the policeman when he grabbed him as he ran out of a clothes shop in Braunschweig, Germany, after stealing a shirt. But instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums. Police spokesman Gunther Brauner said: "He tried to bite the officer several times, but had forgotten to put his false teeth in and so was unable to cause him any harm."                                                                                                                                                                             

CV Bloopers "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." "Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation." (Perhaps he meant running.) "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job." "Finished eighth in my class of ten." "Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals." "Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "It's best for employers that I not work with people." "I’m extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability." "I Planned a new corporate facility at $3 million over budget." Personal Interests: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."                                                                                                                                                                              

These are very good, loving them all.