A little girl went into a pet shop and asked, "Ecthcuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbitth?"

The shopkeeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whispered...

"I don't weawy fink my python givth a damn."

🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏                                                                                                                                                                             

My sister asked me to stop singing the Monkeees “I’m a believer” Because she found it annoying.

At first I thought she was kidding

Then I saw her face ……………………                                                                                                                                                                             

👏👏👏🤣                                                                                                                                                                             

Sad news yesterday; the chap who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey. 🙄                                                                                                                                                                             

Thanks for the chuckles Izzy 👍🏻🤣😂                                                                                                                                                                             

A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
"Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager.
"The famous Barras mate?", nodded the young man.
The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.
The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.
"So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy.
"just the wan"
The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for?
"£101,237.64" said the lad.
The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gaun'
fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat.
We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a 4x4 Suzuki......."
The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a
four-by-four ... "
"Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's humped, ye might as well go fishing then"

🤭🤣😂🤣😂👍🏻 I had no idea where that was going. 🙄
Brilliant!                                                                                                                                                                             

The Girl Lodger

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...

Paddy applies for a job which requires a little out-of-the-box creative thinking. HR doesn’t think he’ll cut it, but all these PC/equality/diversity criteria means he gets in for an interview.
After the initial preamble the HR manager gets down to thinning the wheat from the chaff, he passes Paddy a pen and some paper and says; "OK Paddy, without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" says Paddy, "dat’s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees 🌲 🌲 🌲.

"What's this?" asks the HR manager.
"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes 9.", says Paddy.
"Fair enough.", says the HR manager, reluctantly conceding the point.

"Same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree 🎄 🎄 🎄, "’ere you go."

The HR manager scratches his head, he doesn’t see it so asks "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Well now,” says Paddy, “Each of da trees is now durty. So, it's durty tree and durty tree and durty tree; dat makes 99."

The HR manager is getting worried that he's actually going to have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question; same rules, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the same picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree 🎄 ؞🎄 ؞ 🎄 ؞ and says, "’Ere you go;.one hundred."

The HR manager looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers. "A little dog comes along and poops by each tree. So now you got durty tree and a turd, durty tree and a turd, and durty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....

The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.
The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.
Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):
"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"
Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"
Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,
"Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English motorcyclists were riding through Wales. The went up to Anglesey and stopped at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, as you do, for lunch. One of the riders asked the server, “Before we order, I wonder if you would settle and argument for us? Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?”

The girl leaned forward and said, “Burrr … gurrr … king”

Just been sent this one; 🤔😂

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally...

5. Maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

😂

Q.. What's the best thing about Switzerland?

A.. I don't know but its flag's a big plus....                                                                                                                                                                             

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands. A fairy godmother appeared and asked him what the matter was. He said “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”.
The fairy godmother said “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”. The bloke asked “How do I do that ?” The fairy godmother replied “Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”.
The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere! He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on.
He said “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!” The fairy godmother replied “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!”🤣🤣

I'll get my coat 🚶‍♀️ 🚶‍♂️ 🚶‍♀️ 🚶‍♂️

I love my motorcycle, it's great for getting to the front of queues.....

Although I did scare an old lady half to death in the Post Office the other day...                                                                                                                                                                             

Two Irish guys in a pub, they both take sandwiches out of their pockets and start eating them.

The landlord says: "Excuse me Gents, but you're not allowed to eat your own food in here."

So they swapped.