Joseph Reily was at the 'happy' end of the evening, when he stood up and proposed a toast - 'Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my beautiful wife!' The pub cheered, and everyone voted it the best toast of the evening. Later when he got home, he told his wife that he'd made the best toast, and it was about her. Naturally she wanted to know what he had said. So, after a moments thought he told her 'Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church with my beautiful wife!' So, both feeling pleased, although for different reasons, they retired to bed. The next day, she bumped into one of Josephs drinking buddies. 'Hey Mary' he called, 'Joseph made a great toast about you in the pub last night!' he winked. 'I know' she replied, 'he told me all about it when he got home, but I'm a bit surprised by what he said. He's only been there twice in the last four years. The first time he fell asleep, and the second I had to pull him by his ears to make him come.'

Dr Dave had slept with 1 of his patients& felt really guilty. No matter how hard he tried the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every now and again he would hear an internal reassuring voice say "Dave dont worry about it u arent the first doctor 2 sleep with his patients and u sure as hell wont be the last , besides ur single ! just let it go " .................................................................................... ................................................. But invariably the other voice would bring him back 2 reality whispering "dave u r a vet "                                                                                                                                                                             

lol @ abctrev                                                                                                                                                                              

Man in confession box says to the priest " father i had sex with 7 women last night"
Priest says "go home and drink the juice of10 lemons"
Man says " will i be forgiven ? "
"no" says the priest " but it'll wipe that bleedin smile off your face "

                                                                                                                                                                             

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,” Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does…”                                                                                                                                                                             

80yr old couple were seen haveing a bit furiously up against afence for40 mins they sha..ed like bast..ds.arms and legs going everywhere until   thay fell to the floor.christ she said you didnt sha. me like that 50 years ago. to which the old man replied    50 years ago that fence wasnt electric                                                                                                                                                                             

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,but she belonged to someone else...One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up toher and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let mescrew you. But the girl said NO.Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money onthe floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by thetime you pick it up. "She thought for a moment and said that she would haveto consult her boyfriend... So she called herboyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up themoney very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hourgoes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for hisgirlfriend to call.Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls andasks what happened.She responded, "The bastard used coins!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entiretybefore agreeing to it and getting screwed!                                                                                                                                                                             

When a man writes in to a problem page...

Dear Abi, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names, she always says 'just some friends from work, you don't know them'. I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. I can hear a car driving away, as if she's got out around the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a car, maybe she got a lift back with her lover?

I once picked up her mobile, just to check the time, and she went beserk. Anyway, I've never discussed this with her, maybe deep down I don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle on the footpath outside our house and then hide behind it so I could see the whole street when she came home. It was at the moment, crouching behind my R1, that I noticed the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking some oil.

Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it to a dealer?

Thanks.

whats a priest and a pint of  guinness got in common black coat whitecollar and watch your arse if u get a dodgy one                                                                                                                                                                             

Two hookers are on a street corner, one says its goin to be a good night tonight, i smell cock in the air,

the other says sorry i just burped! lol lol
                                                                                                                                                                             

how cum yu can say that an noone complains?                                                                                                                                                                             

say what?                                                                                                                                                                              

its an over 18 joke thread                                                                                                                                                                              

A man comes home with a chicken under his arm. His wife opens the door.  "what yer got there?" says the wife. "This is the pig i've been shaggin everynight" says the man. "It's not a pig, it's a chicken" says the wife. "I was talkin to the chicken" says the man.                                                                                                                                                                                 

Jack n Jill are playing hide and seek, Jill says if you find me you can lick my fan and shag me up the ars.   but if you cant find me i will be in the shed.....                                                                                                                                                                             

I went for a job today as a Blacksmiths apprentice. He said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said " No but I've told a Donkey to fuck off a few times!"                                                                                                                                                                             

A bike courier goes to a pick up in Canary Wharf. While going up in the lift it stops and a sultry big boobed PA joins him. He thinks nothing of it until she stops the lift between floors, strips off and demands " Make me feel like a real woman!"   As quick as you like he strips out of his leathers and says " Here, fold them bastards up!"                                                                                                                                                                             

Why dont they give smear tests to 80yr olds?     .....................have you ever tried to seperate a cheese toastie?!!!!!!!!.....................                                                                                                                                                                             

 oh man!! I feel sick now!   Non alcoholic beer,it's like l**king out your sister.Tastes the same but it's not right.                                                                                                                                                                             

and you call me sick! roflmao