Mrs Grace - a primary school teacher - is teaching her children about subtraction."If there are 7 birds on a branch and you shoot one, how many are left?" She asks Johnny"None" replies Johnny "They would all fly away""No, the answers 6" says Mrs Grace "But I like the way you think""Let me ask you a question Miss." Says Johnny"OK ..." Replies Mrs Grace reluctantly"If there are 3 woman eating ice-cream, one sucking, one licking and one chewing, which one is married?" Johnny asks"The one that's sucking?" Mrs Grace replies nervouslyJohnny replies "No, the one that's wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think"                                                                                                                                                                             

Thank you Chris, that's really funny.... Keep them coming. X                                                                                                                                                                             

A farmer, Sid Maplethorpe, was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.""You got the numbers right, so I guess you can take one," says Sid. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car. Then he says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know the first thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep!Now give me back my dog!"                                                                                                                                                                             

Lmho Ragner, brilliant.. x                                                                                                                                                                             

ragner you are so funny love, x                                                                                                                                                                             

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?""Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied."Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the New Pope does."                                                                                                                                                                              

Lol!!! Keep them coming Chris x                                                                                                                                                                             

A Polish man moved to the UK and married an British girl. Although his English was not perfect, they got along very well.One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:Have you any grounds?Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?It made of concrete.I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?No, we have carport, and not need one.I mean what are your relations like?All my relations still in Poland .Is there any infidelity in your marriage?We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife beat you up?No, I always up before her.Is your wife a nagger?No, she white.Why do you want this divorce?She going to kill me.What makes you think that?I got proof.What kind of proof?She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.I can read English pretty good, and it say: Polish Remover                                                                                                                                                                              

Please do keep them coming!!                                                                                                                                                                             

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'So then the farmer leaves for the fields.After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'                                                                                                                                                                              

  ROFLMHO                                                                                                                                                                                

Love it!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                             

Went to the canteen with my son. He was so hungry that he rushed in front of other people, and then swore loudly when he got to the cashier because he hadn't picked up his favourite vegetables.I said to everyone "I do apologise, he's forgotten his peas and queues."                                                                                                                                                                              

A bloke was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a secondgolfer approached and asked if he could join him.The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.They were even after the first couple of holes. The second bloke said, "We'reabout evenly matched, how about playing for five quid a hole?"The first bloke said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to theterms.The second bloke won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.As they were walking off number eighteen, the second bloke was busycounting his £80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,I'll marry them.                                                                                                                                                                             

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.. For example... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?                                                                                                                                                                             

 pmsl...x

I am going to start my own business recycling disdarded chewing gum, but I need some help to get it off the ground.                                                                                                                                                                             

Once upon a time there lived a king.The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what;Metal,Wood,Stone,Anything she touched would melt.Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.The first brought a sword of the finest steel.But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly .The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.He too was sent away disappointed.The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.And it did not melt!!!The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.Question: What was in the prince's pants? The Answer's Below.M&M's of course.They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.What were you thinking?                                                                                                                                                                             

Daughter;"Daddy, what's a terrorist"Father;'Well sweetheart, its someone that wants to destroy your way of life.. Someone who cant understand our values and through ignorance wants to inflict fear into our very hearts'Daughter;"So.. does that make mummy a terrorist"