Cream of the crop...                                                                                                                                                                             

Best of the bunch....lol                                                                                                                                                                              

top a the tree.....                                                                                                                                                                             

Crap tv                                                                                                                                                                               

I cannot remain upright when strolling across t'road in stilettos and realising just too late that it's black ice, not surface water *ouch! Sorry bottom!*                                                                                                                                                                              

Change a fooking light bulb in a Fiat !!!!!!    Ohh...bulb out, says I, Easy.. buy new bulb...pop bonnet... tek out old.. insert new.......     NO CHANCE........!!!!!   Gets instruction manual out... looks nothing like under mi bonnet... Ex .. calls round to see daughter on his way out shopping.. tell yr mum I'll do it... Ex arrives..looks under bonnet....... Kaz..i ant got a clue, sides im goin shopping.. dunt wanna get mi hands dirty ( total non-greasy biker type..hence the divorce!)   Hmmm *thinks*  wil tek it round to my mate Jimmy the car mechanic.. 5 min job...then i can get on wiv my Xmas shopping...   Jimmy..'looks like i gotta tek battery out, to get to bulb housing....''   Battery cover off.. (6 screws) Battery bracket off..(2 screws) Decides to tek front grill off (intergrated into full bumber), discard that idea Car jacked up..Jimmy underneath... nope stil cant get to it Battery housing off.. Mate from nxt door to hold various bits of engine outta way so Jimmy (under car) can get bulb housing off (*kaz feelin reet embarrassed as Jimmy was chilling out in front of warm cosy fire..thought it wud be a 5 min job*) Old bulb out.. new bulb in ...Hooray !!! Jimmy... Kaz tell me if its working.. (switches iggy on...nothing) OOOOPS...gotta reconnect battery!!  derrrrrrr Hope it works..or all of the above to be carried out agen..   Works !!! Yayyyy...... Reassembles all bits back.. finds bit resting ont windscreen that shudda gone back in sumwhere....oops. Jacks car up agen.. underneath..extra bit put back in.. sorted.   Pays my dues ....and apologies for it being a pig of a job.. Jimmy just laffed and sed, Well at least ive learnt summat new...'  Never agree to change a fookin bulb on a car like yours agen !!!     No wonder the fella at Motosave said ' sorry luv, we're short-staffed'  when i asked him to do it !!   lol   But .. unforturnatley my other headlight is still pointed Skywards..i dint fink it appropriate to mention that ....   Herne.. i think i saw a UFO comin back from Meadowhell                                                                                                                                                                                 

Todays learning experience is that plastering is a LOT more difficult than it looks. The wall is now vaguely flat although I cant help but think that more of the plaster is supposed to go on the wall and not on the floor.   Big tip.. if you have to plaster the little mixer widget that fits in a drill is worth its weight in gold.                                                                                                                                                                             

I found out that I am as bad on two feet as I am on two wheels.  I have joined Wannabe in the Black Ice Jig, but i was wearing work boots with non slip soles                                                                                                                                                                              

You ladies be careful. A colleague at work - male, fit, 50ish, stone cold sober - fell flat on his side on Friday on the ice. He's had one seven-hour operation to fix a badly broken pelvis and repair other internal injuries, and will have another before he's discharged. Self-employed, too - not nice.

Black Ice Jig! 

Oh well at least my highly impractical footwear wasn't entirely to blame...

Poor bloke Wills... not good...
                                                                                                                                                                             

I spoke to Lancashire County Council about the road, apparently they no longer grit as a preventative measure, just as and when it is needed.  They will put my request on a list and review it.  Meanwhile I walked back home tonight and almost ended up flat on my face, but I dont think it would hurt that much as I have fully deployed air bags ;)  There is a sheet of solid ice all down my road and the road dopwn off the hill is beginning to ice again.    Dear Santa, Please may I have a sledge for Christmas, I have nearly been a very good girl                                                                                                                                                                                 

The highway authority is legally obliged to take those measures considered necessary to keep the highways clear of ice and snow.   If you have an accident and the ice formed despite gritting or if an extreme weather warning was not issued, the highway authority can argue against a case.   However, if an extreme weather warning was issued (the met office can advise you) and the highway authority do not grit, then any accident caused by loss of control on snow or ice is claimable.   I know a number of people with Lancashire CC Highways Frag, you mind if I have a chat?                                                                                                                                                                             

Tolerate tossers who make racist jibes.
I'm so sorry for saying the word TOSSER! so clearly but ater all this is a free country,isn't it? One I & a fair few others doned a uniform for to defend evryones right to free speech? Go then, have a go at someone with different colour skin,or a different accent,keep in mind we might meet some day & discuss that matter
                                                                                                                                                                             

I will stand up for anyone who wants to crack jokes based on someone else's race, creed or accent,   BUT   you gotta live with the consequences. If you want to make Jewish jokes on stage, and then find there's a squad of off-duty Israeli paratroopers waiting in your dressing room intent on a full and frank exchange of views, then you better have a good exit strategy and don't come running to me.                                                                                                                                                                             

There's a line between making a joke & taking it too far Wills & someone -respectfully not off BM- crossed it this evening.
As for being Jewish,take a look at my hooter.I'd've been f*cked in Nazi Germany
Not only that,I fail to see where there was a Racist Jewish joke? More to the point,wasn't the Jewish man having a laugh?
& Having served with Israelie paratroopers in the Gulf,yea I think I'd more than likely be looking at going for a good few beers after the show with them

                                                                                                                                                                             

Maybe I shouldn;t have used this particular example in veiw of the joke that started this thread! Should have put my brain into gear to avoid misunderstanding. OK, for Jewish jokes read general racist jokes, and for Israeli paratroopers read jamaican, but you get the general idea - if you want a bit of fun at someone else's expense and they don't see the joke, then well, you shoud have thought about that beforehand.   Have you changed yer profile picture again?? Blink and there's a diferent one!                                                                                                                                                                               

Fathom out my boss's thought processes.   While I was "away" (he says "away" like I was sunning meself on a beach somewhere and not having surgery! ) he took a couple of phone calls... you know the ones... recorded messages... waffling on about accidents and claims and whatnot.   He has drawn the conclusion from these calls that I must have been phoning around the "no win, no fee" scummy leeching barstewards, cos there's "no way" they could've got our number from anywhere else.   What, you mean apart from the yellow pages, phone directory, our 3 related web sites and BT?   *despairs*                                                                                                                                                                                

Your boss sounds like a right.............................................,sorry  hang on,can't find it yet.......... Matt,can have a *8*k*r smiley?


                                                                                                                                                                             

He's just "special" Oggy