A little guy gets on an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. No one else is on the elevator. The elevator door closes. After a few seconds the big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "Hey! What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?" The big dude replies, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, and my name, is Turner Brown." The little guy gives a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said turn around!"                                                                                                                                                                              

REAL HEADLINES !!!!   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teachers Strike Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Deer Kill 17,000 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors                                                                                                                                                                              

 storm, nice one hun x

cool storm                                                                                                                                                                             

love em storm.x                                                                                                                                                                             

A man complains to his friend that sex with his wife has become boring. 'Use your imagination', says the friend. 'Why not try playing doctor for an hour? That's what I do.' The man replies, 'Wow, a whole hour. How do you make it last that long?' 'It's easy,' replies the friend, 'I just keep her in the waiting room for 56 minutes.'                                                                                                                                                                             

Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...                                                                                                                                                                             

Tom, Harry and their wives decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners. Later that night Tom rolls over in bed and says, 'Hey Harry. What d'you suppose our wives are up to?'                                                                                                                                                                             

rotflmao                                                                                                                                                                             

luv the elevator one di and think yours are brill too paul keep posting them cos i copy an paste them and forward them on to some friends there both in their late 70's  an they have given them both a good belly laugh   so ty everyone                                                                                                                                                                             

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!                                                                                                                                                                              

dam these keep getting better                                                                                                                                                                              

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Just before 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

hehehehehehehe!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

brilliant reminds me of when i was a teenager coming home at all hours Lol one time i was so pissed I fell asleep on the floor and when i woke up the next morning my step dad had put a pillow under my head and a duvet over me and the  cat was asleep on the pillow with me I was really freaked Lol                                                                                                                                                                             

when i was living at home i got home bout 2am to find my pissd up bro asleep on the freezer,the oven on and a cremated chicken kiev ina cloud of smoke!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

why did the chav take a shower .   he didnt mean to he just forgot to close the corsa's windows as  he went through the car wash .                                                                                                                                                                               

 @ fbk, like that one

knew i didnt need new specs,millsy has checked my pc and its true,i dont have smileys available on it!!!!