Two bikers are pulled up at a stop sign.  One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting by.  He pulls the bike to the side of the road, gets off, stands by its side, takes off his helmet, and bows his head.  The procession passes by the intersection and the biker puts on his helmet, gets back on the bike, and starts it up. The other biker comes over and says, "That was touching.  I didn't know you had it in you." The first biker responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."                                                                                                                                                                             

Cinderella WishesCinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'                                                                                                                                                                              

Ooops...sorry about the invisible middle post...it was black when I pasted it and I don't know how to change it! Doh!                                                                                                                                                                             

Hey Tigz, I've changed it for ya now                                                                                                                                                                                

Sick Leave   I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.  I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.  So, I hung upside- down on the ceiling and made funny noises.   My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.  I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.   A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of goodness are you doing?"  I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."   I jumped down and walked out of the office...   When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?!"   (You're gonna love this....) She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.”                                                                                                                                                                              

  ROFLMHO @ 'The Penis Wants a Raise' joke, I've not seen that one before                                                                                                                                                                              

 @ Blue boy!                                                                                                                                                                             

Thanks Blue boy! Got totally stressed tryin to fix it! Doh!                                                                                                                                                                             

Sorry in advance!!! It's pathetic but amused me no end!     A Duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any Bread?"Barman says: "No."Duck says: "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No."Duck says: "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No, we have no bread."Duck says: "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**kingbread."Duck says: "Got any bread?"Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread,ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar youirritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"Duck says: "Got any nails?"Barman says: "No"Duck says: "Got any bread?                                                                                                                                                                             

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!       This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.                                                                                                                                                                                 

rotflmao                                                                                                                                                                              

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a grey-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs."Are ! you responding to my ad?" the woman asked."You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?""Yes, I am," the man replied.The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs!"The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!""You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied:"Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"The wedding is set for Saturday.                                                                                                                                                                                

Lmao at Blueboy      A Man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs A Woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend A successful woman is one who can find such a man To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does                                                                                                                                                                              

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be £3500 for small, £6500 for medium, and £14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."                                                                                                                                                                              

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!''Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.'Your turn,' says the man.'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'                                                                                                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                                                             

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? Lipstick   What is invisable and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.   If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?   Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other "God it's hot in here" The other one exclaims "Ooh look...a talking muffin!" Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack" "No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet" Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".    What happens when frogs park illegally?They get toad. Camping....natures way of feeding mosquitos Big sorry folks!!! lol too much time on my hands                                                                                                                                                                              

Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"                                                                                                                                                                              

Clive and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gatwick. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.Clive said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Clive wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"Clive says, "I feel great. How about you?"Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Clive says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.""Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?""No....." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in GLASGOW!!!"                                                                                                                                                                              

lol tigz i liked that one, well done to all the jokers they all made me laugh