Love it....                                                                                                                                                                             

I said to my wife that the quickest way to a mans heart was through his stomach. She disagrees. She thinks its with a knife.                                                                                                                                                                             

My wife went to Spain for two weeks for a company training session. I drove her to the airport, we hugged and she said, "Honey, is there anything you'd like me to bring back for you?"I replied, "Yes, a Spanish girl!"My wife didn't reply and headed off to catch her plane. Two weeks later we met back at the airport."How was the trip?" I asked."Splendid thank you." She replied,I said, "Where is my present?""What present?" she hesitated."The Spanish girl." I chuckled."Oh," she laughed, "I did what I could, now we have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl."                                                                                                                                                                              

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - silence - - HUSBAND: Damn!
                                                                                                                                                                             

There was this man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and he was a real miser when it came to his money.He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife," Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart and to swear on a stack of Bibles that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Just Wait just a Minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers then locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man. "She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I would put all his money in the casket with him.""You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?""I sure did," said the wife,"I wrote him a cheque. "                                                                                                                                                                              

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl.""Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.""Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl....the only perfect girl I really ever met, she was just the right everything...I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.""Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend."She was looking for the perfect man," he said.                                                                                                                                                                              

   giggle                                                                                                                                                                              

THE BOSS hangs a Poster in his Office......"I'M the BOSS, don't forget it and remain within your limits". He returns from lunch and finds a slip on his desk: "Your WIFE called, she wants the POSTER back at home"                                                                                                                                                                             

Nurse to Patient: How old are you, Mrs.Smith?Patient: None of your business.Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?Nurse: Yes. Fifty.Patient: All Right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?Nurse: Zero.Patient: And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.                                                                                                                                                                              

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.Its wine that does all that....... sorry Never mind.                                                                                                                                                                              

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room.Peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news."There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.She simply had to know, she met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"                                                                                                                                                                             

Snigger,.......thanks Ragnar xxx                                                                                                                                                                             

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions                                                                                                                                                                              

I like that one
                                                                                                                                                                             

good wasent it lol

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
                                                                                                                                                                             

got to have someone to agree....                                                                                                                                                                             

agree,, you must be joking jinx lol
                                                                                                                                                                             

seeee,i was right..                                                                                                                                                                             

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.                                                                                                                                                                              

"This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning."Fg hell, what have I done now?" I asked her."Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've only just woke up."