Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.   Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you must seek out the perfect noodle. Also, according to a recently reversed decision by Miss Manners, it's now perfectly ok to slurp noodles. (Or so I've been told.)   Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.   Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.   Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.   Virgo (August 23 - September 22) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks."   Libra (September 23 - October 22) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!   Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.   Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end".   Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.   Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.   Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.                                                                                                                                                                              

Where's my passport i'm off to Minnesota via rivvi barn...mmmmmm fun day out