Here are a few that caught my eye...

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!! I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed her over. A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.  I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a crap." My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a set of bathroom scales. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it! I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
                                                                                                                                                                             

A few more...

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will only be printed in English.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
                                                                                                                                                                             

HEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE   PMSL!!!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                              

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension                                                                                                                                                                             

MM... please don't post things like HEHEHEHEHEHEHE (x100) without any spaces because it stretches the forum page and destroys the layout.   Sorry there's no way I can prevent it other than to ask people not to do it :-D   Cheers                                                                                                                                                                             

ooops sorry matt, only just seen this!!!! il be off to the sin bin and have a word with me 'sen! xxx                                                                                                                                                                              

She was such a big lass. by the time i got there i'd run out of nob.                                                                                                                                                                             

Ha ha ha - you said nob!                                                                                                                                                                             

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, and Sensible.

Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.