A few useful tips   1 Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. 2 If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. 3 Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. 4 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 5 Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid for it. 6 Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place. 7 Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 8 Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. 9 Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. 10 Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 11 Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. 12 An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. 13 Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken steroids by running a bit slower. 14 Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they’re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc ‘tastes exactly like the real thing’, they won’t know the difference. 15 Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. 16 High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 17 Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. 18 A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. 19 Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree 20 Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair 21 At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy ‘Next customer Please’ sign for dyslexic shoppers. 22 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. 23 A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. 24 Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally. 25 Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. 26 Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                             

Good job i read this BEFORE getting ready to go out... my war paint would have been streaked all down my face, havnt laughed so much in ages.   Thanks Kwak x                                                                                                                                                                             

luv the one about the nissan !!!!!!   enjoyed reading them kwak ty                                                                                                                                                                              

It's good to giggle                                                                                                                                                                              

Giggle ....? I had to invest in some tenna lady.                                                                                                                                                                              

thanx kwak u made me smile hun!! and know what u mean kate! x                                                                                                                                                                             

erm...what's 'tenna lady'?                                                                                                                                                                             

 PMSL!!!! They are mad Kawk! they made me chuckle big time!!! Gonna have to buy my Nan some sparklers now!!!                                                                                                                                                                              

Quote Whoops: erm...what's 'tenna lady'? An inexpensive whore, or perhaps a tramp begging?                                                                                                                                                                                

Fantastic kwak 12 and 18 are the ones for me lol would completely change my life           as for tenna ladies ever see the spoof by billy connolly you should whoops then you would be fully up to spec lmao                                                                                                                                                                                           

the spoof by billy connolly?, do you know what it's called?, i haven't seen british tv since 1998 so i'm a bit out of it...                                                                                                                                                                             

You aint missed much                                                                                                                                                                              

lol i will find out what it is #how come 1998 were do u live then the outerbhebrides   dont say yes !!!!!!! i will check lmao