Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs 

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place..

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load 

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star 

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed 

 This is definitely one for Social services 

                                                                                                                                                                             

Wills, that just about sums up 2days society!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did find it funny though
                                                                                                                                                                             

That is sooooooo funny and  so true   Nice one  Wills                                                                                                                                                                               

 Good one Wills, love it !

  It's not often I see a NEW joke, or one that I haven't seen before, on the internet. Very funny too Wills.   Sadly what once used to be GREAT BRITAIN is fast becoming a laughing stock because of all the petty rules and regulations that we have these days.                                                                                                                                                                              

Hope you wore your goggles, crash hat, metal boots, rubber soles,carried your personal attack alarm, read the highyway code, seem an approved psychiatrist, didnt copy any data, didnt reveal any data,  got you house HIP checked whilst writing that wills boy!                                                                                                                                                                              

I'd love to say I'd written it, but it was unashamedly nicked from one of the various BMW forums.   It reads like an inside job to me - the language is so accurate it's got to be somebody in the business, I reckon.                                                                                                                                                                              

I reckon u might b right Wills..was real good anyway, nice 1 4 posting it:-)..wishing u + ur son seasons greetings geez..                                                                                                                                                                             

Nice one Wills sounds like the Uni hand book to me lol                                                                                                                                                                             

loving it Wills, definately a sign of the times