#1 Building site sandwiches.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are working on the building site. It comes lunchtime and they are sat at the top of the contrution building.
The Englishman opens his lunchbag and exclaims,
"Cucumber sandwiches again, arrgggg! If I've got cucumber sandwiches tomorrow, I'm going to throw myself of this building."
The Scotsman then opens his lunchbag and shouts,
"F**kin' ham sandwiches again! If I've got ham sandwiches tomorrow I'm going to throw myself of here too!"
The Irishman then opens his bag and says,
"Ahh bejezra! Cheese sandwiches again! if I've got cheese sandwiches tomorrow, I'm throwing myself off here as well."

Next day it comes to lunch break and the Englishman opens his lunchbag.
"Oh f**k it!" he screams. "Cucumber sandwiches again!"
And throws himself off the building to his death
The Scotsman then opens his lunchbag.
"Arrrggggggghhhhhhh, ham sandwiches!" He exclaims, and hurls himself to his death.
The Irishman then opens his bag.
"Ahh bejezra! Cheese sandwiches again!" And throws himself off the building.

A week later the three wives are talking at the Irishmans funeral. The Irishman wife turns to them and says,
"I don't know why he did it, he mad his own sandwiches."

#2 Paddy and Murphy go Fishing.

Paddy and Murphy are walking along the river when they come to a bridge where a man is holding his friend by the ankles of the side.
"What are you doing?" Asked Paddy.
"Trying to catch fish for tea" said the man.
Paddy turned to murphy and said,
"Murphy, lets see if we can catch some fish for tea!"
"Good idea" said Murphy.

So they get to the nexy bridge and Paddy says,
"Right Murphy, I'll hold you're ankles and you see if you can't catch us some fish!"

So there they are and 10 minutes goes by, Paddy shouts,
"Murphy, have ya caught anythin' yet?"
"No" replied Murphy, "Keep holding me."

Five minutes later, Paddy shouts again,
"Murphy, have ya caught anythin' yet?"
"No, keep holding me" Murphy replied.

Five minutes later, Murphy hollers,
"Paddy! Paddy! Pull me up! Pull me up!"
"Have you caught something Murphy?" Paddy shout back.
"No" Murphy souted, "There's a f**kin train comin'!"
                                                                                                                                                                             

paddy askes murphy"why do skuba divers fall off their boats backwards".to which murphy replies"you thick twat paddy,if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuxxxng boat!                                                                                                                                                                             

A man walks into a pub and sees a bloke at the bar built like a barn door but his heads the size of an orange so he goes over and tactfully asks what happened to him.

The bloke explains he was marooned on a desert island for 7 years and one morning whilst fishing for his breakfast he pulls out a mermaid who grants him 3 wishes.

He tells the mermaid that he's been on the island for a very long time and could do with a woman but she explains she's half woman and half fish so she can't help him!

He thinks for a minute then asks "what about a little head then?"

there's been a power cut in Dublins largest department store today....some customers have been stuck on the elevator for over three hours!                                                                                                                                                                              

wife takes her unwell husband to the doctors,after giving the man a medical the doctor turns to the wife and says"i'd like a sperm sample a urine sample and a stool sample,the wife then turns to her husband and says"right you heard the doctor,lets have those underpants off!

Minger it's escalator pmsl                                                                                                                                                                             

Hull,

I saw that but didn't want to pee on his bonfire
                                                                                                                                                                             

I'm not proud I'll piss on any bodies bonfire lol. Had it done way to often to me.   Paddy picks up a mirror in a shop and says " Jaysus look at that picture! Do you recognise that hansome fella Shamus?", he passes the mirror to Shamus and he says "sure I do It's me to be sure it is". Paddy says "I tought I recognised him".                                                                                                                                                                              

  Cripes it's nearly 3 yrs old this thread, I thought our old mate Moxey had rejoined us   ROFL @  paddy askes murphy"why do skuba divers fall off their boats backwards".to which murphy replies"you thick twat paddy,if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuxxxng boat!                                                                                                                                                                                

Englishman, Irishman and  Scotsman go to join the army .. they pass all the medicals .. and they have to pass a test before they can go in .. All asked same question in test .. You`re going across the desert .. but you can only take one thing with you to keep cool .. englishman says .. I`ll take a camel with me .. so when i need a drink  i can get it from the camel .. Good says the army major .. Scotsman says i`ll take an elephant coz it can store a lot of water in it`s trunk .. Good says army major .. Paddy thinks about it for a minute .. says i know .. I`ll take a car door .. cos when it`s hot  i can wind down the window .. pmsl ..

2 irish men park their car, shut the door then realise the keys are inside.Declan says to paddy, we could get a coat hanger and try to unlock the door or prise it open, well whatever we do, we better hurry, its started to rain and the tops still down.