Pinched from another forum.... very funny     Let me explain I am a self confessed bike wh**e, I have no scrupples or pre defined ideas when it comes to bikes, I buy on a whim and sell it if I don't like it, around 4 years ago I got an option on a GSXR1100 with big bore kit and nitro'd ( yeah yeah insanity runs in the family - get over it - I do ) Riding this thing was the most uncomfortable bike I had ever ridden ( been riding for over 35 years) - jeeze man my botty ( can I use that word on here) was chewing caramels within 2 miles, so I decided to sell it through Autotrader.First week nothing, so second week I fixed the price at £2200 and added a picture - On the Saturday I gets a phone call. Conversation goes much like this.Hello[Twit]Hi, Do you still have the Yam for sale Me thinks twit - No but I have a Suzuki for sale[Twit]What colour is it Err... what it says on the advert + it was a colour picture[Twit]Are the plastics in good condition Couldn't tell ya mate it is a streetfighter and doesnt have any as per picture [Twit]Aye thats the right one - can I come and see it Me still thinks twit - sure where are you coming from [Twit]GlasgowHmmm... me thinks twit wont come that far - I am 40 miles North of Inverness about 220 miles away Gives him directions and comes off the phone and forgets about it Four hours later he phones to say he was 20 miles away - I think sh*t I had better go and see if the bike will start It did so just waited on his arrival, then I saw it, I live down a single track road and can see for about a mile, here was this huge Merc driving down the road, driven by a woman that maybe 20 years before would have been a contender for Playboy.Then out he steps, I almost could not contain myself, he was dressed in one piece leathers, green, white and pink!!! you know the type of suit? totally fart proof, bubbles up from your botty and exits at your neck, Matching helmet, gloves and boots - honestly this guy looked like an overgrown packet of polo mints.Just to ad insult to injury the bike was stock Suzuki Blue and White.So here he was with me trying desperately trying to contain my water looking around the bike asking really pertinent questions like whats the tyre pressureSo he says "can I take it out for a test ride", I say sure as long as you leave full price as deposit and show me a licence and insurance.Well b*gger me if he did not say OK and then came the crunch he produced a provisional licence with a pass certificate - this mint tw*t had only passed his test a week before, his mate had pointed him in the direction of my bike hence the gaff about "Yam" in the original phone call, he had never even seen the advert - Jeeze we all need mates like that dont we?I said sorry no way was I letting him out on my bike like that but I would take him pillion - this was agreed and in all this time Mrs Centrefold is looking totally disinterested.Anyway off we set for anyone that knows the area headed off through Tain to the Inver road alongside the old airfield- lovely long stretch of straight road where I said i would show him the Nitro working - I said I would tap him on the legs and let rip.The next part would have made me a fortune if I had managed to get it on tape, 5th gear hitting 60 taps him on the leg and hist Nitro boost - "Oh Jesus" ( I screamed that cause I thought I was coming to meet him and although an atheist I hedge my bets) the front wheel left the deck - he fell backwards and his legs caught me under the arms and lifted my hands off the bars, riding along at 70mph+ front wheel in the air and us engaged in some sort of sordid gay sex ritual on the back. For some reason that day was not to be my last and I managed to get my hands on the bars before the front wheel came back down and regained composure - time to head home I think.Back at my house he took off the helmet and I have never seen someones face that colour before it was completely devoid of blood, after a coffee for him to calm down he said he was interested  But was not willing to offer my full asking price - says he will only go to £2800  I had to seriously think about that, I mean £600 more than I wanted what was I supposed to do.So after formal discussions and the emptying of his wallet everything was sorted, My driveway where it meets the road has a dip that can even catch me out at times, here was the sugar plum fairy straight out of training camp on a GSXR1100 covering the rear brake and pulling off where he hits the dip, yanks back on the throttle and promptly hits the fence on the other side of the road.After picking the bike out of the hedge I pointed it in the right direction for him and told him to phone me when he gets home ( yes I genuinely was worried ) for the mile I could see him I am sure he did not get out of 2nd gear.Should have taken him about 4 hours max to get home, it was 9 hours before he phoned me to tell me he got home and then came the killer "Did I want to buy the bike back"  Certainly not it's been dropped  I did get a phone call from a dealer about a week later asking me to confirm the mileage as the bike was getting traded in and it had done less than 200 miles since picking it up so I have a funny feeling he got it trailered part of the way home that night, cause it was trailered into the dealers - what did he buy?? I had to ask - a 600 Hornet.One final little anecdote, when the the bike came to me the Nitro switch was not wired up to I fitted it to the horn button ( who needs a horn anyway - behave!!!) I always wondered if he would remember as hitting that by mistake would give new meaning to phrase "beep beep now ya bastid"                                                                                                                                                                             

lol Speedy.                                                                                                                                                                             

hahahaha                                                                                                                                                                             

hahaha that was sooooo unbelievably funny!  Made me giggle so much, cheers Claire.                                                                                                                                                                             

great story,lmao.....ive met some"bikers"like that before,they ride like bambi on ice,ha ha.                                                                                                                                                                             

Oh glory, glory. I can't come anywhere near matching it, but I did once sell an MZ125 to someone who, having paid for it, revved it summat silly outside my house, and then droped the clutch all in one. I've never seen an MZ wheelied before or since, and I don't really want to. After the front wheel came to earth, the MZ weaved up the road looking as if it wanted to do a full-on tankslapper but couldn't quite get there. I lived in road full of terraced houses at the time and had visions of multiple insurance claims as he was in danger of ricocheting from one car to another as he took off. Still, it was legally his bike by then, and he'd had it all of the five minutes since I'd written out the receipt. He shot straight over the stop line at the end of the road and out onto the dual carraigeway. His guardian angel must have been working overtime that day and there was no screech of brakes, no awful crash followed by a tinkle of glass, just the sound of a two-stroke disappraring into the distance. Never seen him since, but I was half-expected an inquiry from the police for quite a time! Wonder if he later wanted a suzuki in Scotland?                                                                                                                                                                             

Kerist I am crying here.                                                                                                                                                                             

I am too.... Wills you admit to having owned an MZ!!!!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                             

Guilty as charged, Claire. Look, I was younger then, the MZ is an honest piece of machinery, and if anyone doesn't know who Walter Kaaden they don't know their biking history! Just never, never, use the old east German tyres, and plan your braking well ahead. Preferably with a calendar. Either that or swap a Honda 125 or 175 front wheel and brake.                                                                                                                                                                               

  The first story had me in stitches, especially the 6th paragraph, oo I shouldn't laugh ha ha  Wills' story was funny too                                                                                                                                                                                 

pmsl so much, i had to get the tissues, lol, speedy - what a story, ya made my day, wills, just as good, has anyone got anymore??????????                                                                                                                                                                             

Only the story of me and my bike taking flying lessons due to a kamikaze pheasant and i`m not sharing that one cos its quite embarrasing                                                                                                                                                                              

Don't talk to me about feckin kamikaze bloody soddin pheasents!!! First time out on me own I had a waaaaaaaaaay too close encounter with one of those damn things. Wasn't very nice either! Nearly crapped meself                                                                                                                                                                              

Has anyone ever been quietly tootling along on the bike when suddenly they spy a group of ladies or guys (whichever floats your boat) and then try to show off and nearly lost the bike and ended up looking totally fookin stupid instead of totally cool and in control?   Or is it just me                                                                                                                                                                              

No that`s just you Blueboy                                                                                                                                                                              

Yep, just you Blueboy                                                                                                                                                                              

Claire i just loved that, talk about pmsl ha`ha`ha`                                                                                                                                                                             

good way to start the day .....laughing                                                                                                                                                                              

excellent way to end the day too.... lol x                                                                                                                                                                             

 Blueboy.I,erm,can relate to that kind happening ,on more than one ocassion too.When I was about 16/17 I had a lambertta  complete with mirrors,lights  a whip aerial & a foxtail (fake) One August bank holiday we all took of to Brighton . When we got there there was loads of Modettes on the promenade so I decided I was going to show off by doing some race moves of slinging my knee out on the road.Now the floorboards on a scoooter are a little bit low to the ground & the hit the road before mt knee did,dug in & slung me off  Kind of worked though,got a lot of attention from the girls but most of them were laughing